I feel like I'm in dance class right now
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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