Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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