tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
