break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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