It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
