Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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