his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
the liver wants what the liver wants
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
