im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
