i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
