I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
