Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
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We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
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Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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