i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i think my tv is drunk
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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