I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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