I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
