so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
