not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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