I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
