Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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