I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
