Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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