I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
