Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
