Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
And then he peed in my hair
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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