I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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