Your mouth is God's brothel.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
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I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
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looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together