I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
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hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
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Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY