Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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