I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
