Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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