sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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