i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
