Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
