Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
