Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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