What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
