You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
