You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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