i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
