o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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