OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
