the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
