Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
