Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
