It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
