and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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