I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
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