i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
