I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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