i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
