i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
