We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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