You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
What did we do last night that was yellow?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
