ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
