You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
