I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
