At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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