I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This is the high leading the old right now
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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