i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
