So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think I won the penis lottery.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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