i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
