I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
